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Good Grief

by Cosmic Johnny

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1.
So why don’t you go out tonight? You’ve been in for too long again You’ll never find out who you are if you don’t And you never had a good time Hanging out with the party kids But you never had a good time on your own So why don’t you talk to your friends When you’re down on the floor again? They couldn’t expect you to deal by yourself The trauma you carry, you find You can’t run very far with it And they don’t sell comfortable shoes down in hell And what we’ve learned from this is It’s impossible to predict the ways they’ll hurt you So what do you do when words desert you? Where do you go and who do you turn to? What do you bury? And what do you burn? And what do you keep? And what do you earn? And how do you sleep? And what have you learned, too?
2.
The story’s been getting old— I’m sorry I wrote this a year ago; I burned all the copies And so it goes; that’s how the dice are rolled Red flags hidden beneath the folds These trembling hands are cold and clammy But mirroring half a smile, uncanny, uncanny And so it goes; that’s how the dice are rolled Red flags hidden beneath the folds Painted fingers tapping on cherry Painted lids blink in morse I see the western rain in your eyes I see those late night lilac skies Dots and dashes mark where it’s buried Let’s go digging tonight I see the starlight spill through the blinds I hear the canyon call in the night Canary flew the coop— bad timing If Mary still loves you, keep climbing, keep climbing And so it goes, that’s how the dice are rolled Red flags hidden beneath the folds Painted fingers tapping on cherry Painted lids blink in time I saw the western rain in your eyes I saw those late night lilac skies Where are all the things that I buried? Can I say that I tried Reading the words and tracing the lines Painting the lands that you described? You lived in the mountains It treated you well, if not for the cold air And we know there are places Where it doesn’t snow, but we wouldn’t want to live there And when your closet is all out of space Let your hair grow to cover your face Hide your heart in the gold in your ear I can hear, I can hear, I can hear All the memories that we replaced All the sentences I chose to waste I said I’d have stories for you in a year Now we’re here, now we’re here, now we’re here Painted fingers tapping on cherry Painted lids blink in time I saw the western rain in your eyes I saw those late night lilac skies Where are all the things that we buried? Can we say that we tried Reading the words and tracing the lines Painting the lands that you described?
3.
I had a dream that everyone who’d ever seen me naked Was out in the crowd, milling around, looking impatient I couldn’t think, I couldn’t talk, I wanted to get wasted But I couldn’t drink enough to do the job on these SSRIs It felt like a knife So you know I’m going off the rails tonight Fears are what we see in dreams I don’t know how to surf the scene I don’t know nothing Full of nerves and wondering If these skeletons with septum rings Have caught me bluffing Most of the time I look at people and I just see humans But I freak out a bit depending on how crowded the room is (And I realize we all have skeletons inside of us) Hell is a basement full of halloween costumes that go on for miles Wrapped up in skin and ironic slogan t-shirts and lopsided smiles And mostly all white So you know I’m going off the rails tonight Fears are what we see in dreams I don’t know how to surf the scene I don’t know nothing Full of nerves and wondering If these skeletons with septum rings Have caught me bluffing Bodies adjacent Sweating and vacant Dull and complacent Hell is a basement So come on, get naked And why not get wasted? Drink up and face it Hell is a basement
4.
Resentment 05:13
We went out drinking in some suburban crowded place I said “I’m feeling real good tonight; it’s time to make some mistakes” The only words I’m confident in, I live to regret And they say true love is dead, but I haven’t finished killing it yet It might be my fault For not knowing how to talk to you Without advice from my friends But I wanna come back to this I don’t wanna fade into resentment The back of the mind is not a nourishing place to live Ran into you on my way out the door, we both hadn’t slept A mile a minute we thought through the options for moves we had left But I never figured it out, just spent a while living in doubt But maybe I’m better off without any peace of mind It might be my fault For not knowing how to look at you Without this sinking feeling That I locked my keys in a house on fire But I wanna come back to this I don’t wanna fade into resentment The back of the mind is not a nourishing place to live And something happened but we fractured it And I don’t know how to prevent it The rest of the time in the world’s not a generous gift to give I’m feeling like a balloon untied deflating in space In other words, I’m feeling real bad tonight, it’s time to make some mistakes It might be my fault For not wanting to remember you Cause all I see when I see your eyes Is the barrel of a gun And it might be my fault For not knowing how to talk to you Without advice from Vodka, whisky, and several shots of rum But I wanna come back to this I don’t wanna fade into resentment The back of the mind is not a nourishing place to live And something happened but we fractured it And I don’t know how to prevent it The rest of the time in the world’s not a generous gift to give And I just wanna live I just wanna live I just wanna live I just wanna live
5.
Houston 07:15
When I was younger, I thought the moon was Falling down at the end of the night But when I grew up, I learned the truth was The universe just swings away from you sometimes I toss and turn and I can’t fall asleep With someone else in the bed next to me Are we still us when our minds are asleep Or just the faces and the bodies we’ve worked so hard to keep? I’ve never known I’ve never known (Ground control to major fuckup) I’ve never known I’ve never known (Ground control to major fuckup) Cosmic Johnny’s in over their head again Some Friday night between the cans and packs of medicine They find somebody they can fall asleep with, Who makes them feel like they’re alive at the right time But after half a hangover the magic slips And I wake up inside of my own private Berenstain Rift And there’s just a spot of drool where the heart used to be Slipped out the pocket of my cheek and once again I can’t fall asleep I should’ve known I should’ve known (Ground control to major fuckup) I should’ve known I should’ve known (Ground control to major fuckup) We’re all alone in outer space They won’t remember all the messes we’ve made We’ll disappear without a trace We’re all alone in outer space They won’t remember all the messes we’ve made We’ll disappear without a trace There’s something happening to my heart I feel it kicking around, I feel it picking me apart And once I’ve given all I can to productivity What do I do with all the shit that’s still inside of me? Do you read me, Houston? No, there’s no problem I just wanted to talk. How are the kids down on the ground? I put my space cadet helmet on and wonder When the universe is finally gonna swing me back around We’re all alone in outer space They won’t remember all the messes we’ve made We’ll disappear without a trace But I’m in over my head again We’re all alone in outer space They won’t remember all the messes we’ve made We’ll disappear without a trace Yeah, but I’m in over my head again We’re all alone in outer space We’re all alone in outer space We’re all alone
6.
Hotel 04:14
I grow from the ivy Shadow tall on the wall I am climbing But I will not go But I will not go Long hands like my mother’s Barefaced in the California sun So far below So far below The footsteps I follow are lacking in fables Got a one track mind but the trains are disabled And I have a dream reoccurring Far from home and the hotel is burning And I’ve got to know And I’ve got to know What life I rejected My father said that I would go to hell But is it fire or snow? But is it fire or snow? The footsteps I follow are lacking in fables Got a one track mind but the trains are disabled And I don’t recognize me lately And I don’t feel at home in anything And I’m scared I’ll go far away to a place that I can’t come back from I’ve been looking for a place to lay my head down at night Cause I can’t live in hotels all my life So where can I go? Where can I go? Stitches torn on my lining And in the dark, in your bed, I am crying But I will not show But I will not show
7.
I don’t understand why anybody makes their bed Wasting effort on a mess that’ll be a mess again And they say that I should talk to somebody more qualified than you But if I charge you all a buck, then I think this’ll do And I’d like to believe There’s something better waiting there at the end for me It’s been a little while now since I’ve had a decent haircut And when I see me in the mirror I’m not sure what to think And they say around the world some seven people are your clone Well do they take care of their skin? Do people tell them “I love you?” Or do they just stay home and drink? And I worry aloud That everybody’s got it figured out somehow And why shouldn’t they? We’re all adults here But how can it be so hard? How can it be so hard? How can it be so hard To get out of bed and never starve? How can it be so hard? How can it be so hard? How can it be so hard? How can it be so hard To get out of bed and never starve? How can it be so hard? And when I woke up yesterday to little hairs on my pillow I wiped the blood off of my nose and I went out and did the laundry And I haven’t been to church since my parents used to take me But I saw Jesus in the coin-op, crying in his coffee And I saw something new In the little things I forced myself to do But how can it be so hard? How can it be so hard? How can it be so hard To get out of bed and never starve? How can it be so hard? How can it be so hard? How can it be so hard? How can it be so hard To get out of bed and never starve? How can it be so hard? How can it be so hard? How can it be so hard? How can it be so hard To get out of bed and never starve? How can it be so hard? How can it be so hard? How can it be so hard? How can it be so hard To get out of bed and never starve?
8.
Bury 04:53
My chest is humming, someone else’s heart It’s a heavy weight to carry And my system’s running full on too much blood I burn what I can’t bury Couldn’t you have told it to my face? I’m alone outside my body While you’re with somebody else some other place You tell me that you’re sorry And in that tone of voice you sound like her And 2013 comes swinging back at me and hits me where it hurts I took a chance one night and went out drinking In some suburban crowded place With all these white boys singing songs about revenge And you were looking at me funny With a fishing line for one word answers So you could frame them in a book And give them names and dates and numbers Give them names and dates and numbers You put your arms around me slowly And I did not say no No one’s asking me for much, but I’ve got nothing No one’s asking me for much, but I’ve got nothing And I’m okay I’m okay I’m okay enough to take my hands away I’m sitting criss-cross on the bathroom floor I don’t know where I’m going But a hospital is better than a morgue
9.
I messed it up I did my best but sometimes that’s not quite enough Siena says it’s not my fault, but I don’t know I moved too fast and when it came time I could not let go And I try to explain but I can’t spell the words right It’s a useless machine, it’s a black car with no headlights And I try and try to fall asleep Cause things feel fine inside my dreams most of the time I can’t tell the difference And what a waste A hundred days and change, I threw it all away With all the progress that I made, I messed it up And when the bed is empty, why do I wake up If I just think about the different ways to die? And I try to explain but I can’t spell the words right It’s a useless machine, it’s a black car with no headlights And I try and try to fall asleep Cause things feel fine inside my dreams most of the time I can’t tell the difference My head’s got a feeling, but what does it mean? I stay in the water, I never feel clean If I can’t find meaning then why should I dream? Oh, who would design such a useless machine? My body is broken, I can’t even eat When the going got tough, you decided to leave So why keep on going if I can’t succeed? Oh, who would design such a useless machine? But enough’s enough Because there’s no one else to pick the pieces up And I’ve got nowhere else to fall Because I’m spending too much time asleep Cause things feel safe inside my dreams But there must be a difference between the ceiling and the sky And I try to explain but I can’t spell the words right It’s a useless machine, it’s a black car with no headlights And I try and try to fall asleep, but I can’t outrun anything Or anyone till I run out of life And that’s the only way to die And that’s the only way to die And that’s the only way
10.
You said your town felt like a prison block A sea of concrete to the south You said you had to find a life that left A better taste inside your mouth You kept a place for me When we were young and terrible So when you cry, I will try to make it better It takes a while to speak somebody’s language And when we feel all the things we haven’t felt yet It won’t be anything that we can’t manage Where would I be without you? Where would I be without you? In New York City where you used to live Kissing boys who sang the blues We spent a long time on the back burner And we were always quick to bruise But you made space for me When my love was unbearable So when you cry, I will try to make it better It takes a while to speak somebody’s language And when we feel all the things we haven’t felt yet It won’t be anything that we can’t manage Where would I be without you? Where would I be without you? And in the summer when I checked into the hospital The brown pants were too short for my long legs The buttons snaps that didn’t close We need the help we cannot get But you were there the day I left And you made sure that I would eat something I ate something We looked at dogs in sunny weather So when you cry, I will try to make it better It takes a while to speak somebody’s language And when we feel all the things we haven’t felt yet It won’t be anything that we can’t manage Where would I be without you? Where would I be without you? Where would I be without you? Where would I be without you?
11.
This Year 01:51
Why don’t you come home for the night? You’ve been living too hard again Kick your shoes off and replay the day in your head January found a new wrench to throw at you And you can’t dodge every disaster You get lipstick on your teeth You get calluses on all your fingers And you say It’s nothing like what I thought it would be And I’m still under the water This life has gotten the better of me This year I’ll have to be stronger It’s nothing like what I thought it would be And I’m still under the water This life has gotten the better of me This year I’ll have to be stronger Why don’t you come home for the night? You’ve been living too hard again
12.
Oh honey, what did you think you knew? Last year you thought you couldn’t do The things you needed to get by This year you still can’t swing it And every time you wake up Thinking this could be the day Well something, something just And when your love is an anxiety attack Don’t settle for that, don’t settle for that And when you wake and find the claw marks in your back Sleep with a baseball bat, sleep with a baseball bat Siena says you’re getting used But something’s broken in your head And you can’t run away when you need to Hey, space cadet Are you still floating round the rock That you spent so much of your life trying to get away from? And does it at least look different from up there? And when your love is an anxiety attack Don’t settle for that, don’t settle for that And when you wake and find the claw marks in your back Sleep with a baseball bat, sleep with a baseball bat It might take a couple tries till you believe it But love is real, you’ll figure it out, you’ll live to see it But you still have to take a couple of falls And you can’t make an omelet without breaking your balls So batter up Is your bed made? Is your helmet on? And when your love is an anxiety attack When you’re covered in their footprints and the skid marks from the mat When you’re writing every song as if it’s gonna be your last Sleep with a baseball bat, sleep with a baseball bat And when your love is an anxiety attack Don’t settle for that, don’t settle for that And when you wake and find the claw marks in your back Sleep with a baseball bat, sleep with a baseball bat Sleep with a baseball bat, sleep with a baseball bat

credits

released April 28, 2018

Words by Mike Suh
Songs by Cosmic Johnny

Mike Suh - vocals, guitars
Felicity Squish - bass guitar, vocals
Cammie Davis - guitar
Marcus Dembinski - drums
Keithe LaFlabme - moral support

Produced by Cosmic Johnny
Engineered, mixed, and mastered by Felicity Squish and Marcus Dembinski

Art by Mike Suh

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Cosmic Johnny Boston, Massachusetts

3am existential rock for the kids who vaguely know what spacex is but couldn't, like, Describe it to you.

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